There is a bursting in my heart. My soul is awakening. There has been death and darkness. I’ve learned to silence the need to feel and to be weak.
It’s positioned me as prey
It’s allowed others to trample over me.
There is terror in my soul when I think of what weakness opens me up to.
It scares me. It scares others. There is a power that others cannot handle.
I hide it away.
I overcompensate. I try to soften the anger.
I don’t deserve to be treated as less than them.
They are powerful. They tell me who and what to be.
Inside, they make me scream.
Outside, I will show them that I can play their game.
They will not conquer me. I can be all that they are.
It makes me tired. I deny who I really am. I want to be soft, tender and compassionate. I want to shed tears in places I hurt. I want to know that if I do that they will not look down on me. I don’t want to pay the price of their scorn for being who I am. So, I hide me. I hide under a wall of strength. I know they can see through it. That makes me more angry. I don’t want to be a fake. I just want to be accepted. I want to be loved. I want to be free!
I want to know that to be a woman is to beautiful without shame. I want to embrace the beauty God has given.
I give my shame, my hurts, my abuses, the brokenness that came from those in my life who were too strong and from those who were too weak. There are those I’m angry at. I scream at them for not allowing me to be me!
Jesus, He is my everything. He stood by. He watched. He saw the wrongdoing. He loved me then. He loves me now. He walks with me.
He made me deeper and stronger inside. He made me weaker than I ever wanted to be. He wants to own my weakness and to truly be my all.
I give him my shame, my hurt. My brokenness made me weak. While the wounded hurt me, I am the one who is the victor. I can be healed. He will love me.
I am the teary eyed, the one with a limp – Arwen. She is my hero. She’s a warrior that was fallen, but in the end, she was the strong one – because she was weak.