Broken crayons still color

Sherwood Park, Alberta

Do you remember when you were young and how your crayons used fit perfectly in between your small fingers?

New crayons were rare in our home and when I got a new pack, it was always so exciting. I loved the smell and the feel, but there was always a hint of disappointment when those new crayons didn’t color as nice as my broken ones. I didn’t want to admit it, but there was disappointment in the way this new crayon would color until it was broken in. I often found myself reaching for the broken one because, while it did not look great, it created the perfect shade.

In many ways, those broken crayons reminded me of my life where brokenness had forever altered me.

My desire for significance raged within. I craved purpose. I wanted to matter. My inner being craved completeness in a world where idyllic dreams were often shattered. In that place of brokenness, a battle ensued within my soul between hopelessness and perseverance. In many ways, it was easier to slip into despair and to allow the waves of darkness to encompass. That type of blackness created a false comfort. I failed to see its’ toxic devastation.

The will to move on disappears as pain consumes one’s being. In that place, my greatest enemy becomes myself.

At times, there were flickers of hope, which I found I often lacked the energy to grasp. I finally reach a point where I realized that I could not continue that way. It’s then I chose to surrender. I released my pain to God. I expressed joy in my circumstances, even though I could not see the reason for them. I asked Him to give me all I needed.

It was then, with my hand in His, that I embraced perseverance. I accepted the help of others. The darkness became lighter. My weakness was replaced by strength. I began to heal and discovered I was different from before. I was resilient. I had hope.

My brokenness refined me.
I am stronger.
I see things differently.
My joy is deeper and my sadness is more real.
I feel. I love. I laugh.

Broken crayons still color.
Even.
Better.